The Epiphany

I have spent the last 6 months of my graduating year dwelling in the unfortunate events that caused my demise that commenced November 2008. I steered clear of relationships in fear that I would be tempted to cheat on a boyfriend of mine which is what happened the first time around and was, in fact, what triggered the set of events to follow. I avoided putting any trust into anyone in fear that I was simply going to get backstabbed – yet again. In my attempts to keep my distance from people I found myself lashing out at every single thing in regards to friends. To show how tough I was? No, it was a means of making a stance that I had had enough of people walking all over me. However, in an effort to become a better person I became my own worst nightmare as I found myself pushing away those I loved the most until I was standing alone. The common denominator in these actions was instigated by such an abstract and intangible thing. In retrospect, I was running away from everything and everyone except for the very instinct that brought me to such a lonely state; my fear. I can’t say I am entirely pleased with myself but this rant would be completely pointless if I were to wallow in my own sorrow instead of getting to my feet to do something about it. So here it is: FCUK FEAR - what I was most afraid of was the prospect of being happy. The law of gravity states, “what goes up must eventually come down” and I found this to be true about most things that brought me joy. It was because of the sudden downfall at the end of every high that caused me to skip out on the super blunts. I have been missing out on the blissful life for the one that consists of more drama because I thrived on it thinking that if I didn’t, it would make me “saaaaaaft”. Thinking that if I did not cause drama, I would be “losing” – and I could not stand the thought of that. Now I’m re-introducing the alter-ego Marie, who some of you are familiar with. Don’t be afraid. She’s back for a different purpose this time; she’s not here to conquer but to help me develop what I lost along the way – strength, strength to pull through this terrible mess I’ve created for myself. A dear friend of mine helped me realize that it’s not about looking behind at the past worrying about how you went wrong but how you’re going to better yourself for the future to come. “It’s not about how you got yourself here but how you’re going to get out.” With this being said, I thought it would be mighty rude of me if I were to not extend my formal goodbyes:
- Goodbye to ex-boyfriends
- Goodbye to crazy (ex)girlfriend(s)
- Goodbye to cheating others / on others
- Goodbye to hookups with friend’s exes
- Goodbye to booty calls
- Goodbye to hysterical, drunk breakdowns
- Goodbye to breakdowns
- Goodbye to abruptly leaving my best friends
- Goodbye to leaving
- Goodbye to being narrow-minded
- Goodbye to enforcing my thoughts on the narrow-minded
- Goodbye to drunk punches to the face
- Goodbye to being the overprotective girlfriend
- Goodbye to being who you want me to be
- Goodbye to apologizing for things I’m not sorry for
- Goodbye to not apologizing for the things that I am sorry for
- Goodbye to highschool drama
- Goodbye to drama, altogether
- Goodbye to the old me
- Goodbye to Summer’08

Here’s to change.
Here’s to smiling.
Here’s to the future.
Here’s to autonomy.
Here’s to happiness.
Here’s to the blissful life.
Here’s to the sweet escape.
Here’s to summer’09.

xoxOMG
- SB, my life in an abbrev.