It takes 42 muscles to frown

April 20. The good old 4/20, was when this blog started. Since then there have been 18 posts, 18 posts in the matter of 19 days. At one point we were at a rate where it was more than one post a day. Typical, it would be typical for the four of us. Well, the three of us, so far. Damn you Pam! Anyways, I sit here, watching the long-weekend wind down, thinking that I should make a post. I was scared, scared out of my face. Reason being, was because, me, I, Alyssa G. had nothing to write about.

Then it came to me.
In this roller-coaster life we have, why is it that no one is writing anything? It's only because the roller-coaster is always the slowest at the high points. It's always the slowest ascending to the top of the hill - per say. So again, it scared me - because of course I would inherit the trait that Stephanie has in taking a thought and being able to stretch it around the world, twice - cause prior to this conclusion, I felt stupid, incompetent, unintelligent . . . dumb. Evidently, that is not the case. Hoping for inspiration, I read over some of our previous posts and after coming across “Uncommon Denominator”, I figured out a common denominator: We’re happy.

Hence my preceding theory: The roller-coaster is always the slowest at the high points. We’re not necessarily slow/stupid when we’re happy, (even though it does seem like our brain goes to mush when start baby-talking) it’s just the circumstances are so much more relaxed and the steaks are so much more lower that over-thinking, over-analyzing and traveling the world in your head is just not an obligation anymore. Most and if not all of our posts are filled with negative emotions, and that’s what drove us to write in the first place.

Although we’re not fully content (yet), AC has moved on from the “Constant Reminder” to something actually constant. Being the party girl that she is, she threw up that “Vulnerable Verbal Vomit” and is now hung-over something else. SB won the “Rebuttal to the Hypocrite” because of course; intoxication brings everyone together and back together. Also, instead of sitting and moping in front of the television that read “Game Over” she turned off the system. Now, she’s taking down the “Rug for Sale” sign, and is nostalgically on a magic carpet to the past that could very well be her future. As for me, the “Court [is no longer] in session” the jury has spoken, and it’s unanimous. As cautious as I may still be, I know it’s not Splenda. Nor is it merely any sort of sweetner that can fade away and gradually give me cavities. It's something almost as essential as water. He dissolves and dominates any other substance out there. As much as I hate contradicting myself, I can’t help but do so.

This whole time, I thought of my journey, my pain, my consequences, my mistakes, my instincts, my obligations. I was so overly self-centered, that I forgot that what I’ve longed for is someone to race these very hurdles with me. In many blogs I’ve idolized Ms. Hilson, and even though I still “feel like I’m in a race, and already won first place” I rather tie this race. Hand in hand.

We were never meant to be, it just happened.
Let’s call it a draw, and make it picture perfect.

PS: The picture’s down, and I’m finally over you
Thanks to you, “babe”.

PPS: It only takes 16 muscles to smile. It’s less work, smile.

xoxOMG
-AG, signing off to you my commander and chief.

Rebuttal to the Hypocrit

Here’s to you, as you are “nothing short of amazing” – apart from your lack of fundamentals when it comes to being a true friend. I hope to come across the library where you picked up your book on what a friendship means, only so I can burn it as it seems to be outdated. The last time I checked, when your friend expresses their deepest feelings to you about a guy, your options are then to comfort her, advise her and most importantly – listen to her. Instead you chose the answer that has been obsolete, d) flirt with that same person shamelessly. It’s amusing how you referred to this as “innocently” flirting because I can’t recall any aspect of this situation to fit that adjective. You have a boyfriend and me as a friend – two factors that should have brought this, far from harmless and naïve, situation to an abrupt end. Logically, if either of us were significant enough to you, this catastrophe would have never begun. Maybe I am being condescending and mean-spirited but I cannot help but feel shell shocked by this. This could possibly be due to the fact that I had the utmost respect for you; as both a human being as well as a friend. You taught me how to be a better person. I came to you with every mishap I found myself in as I valued your opinion, knowing that it was full of truth and honesty each time. You never fell short of sincerity and I found you to be one of the most genuine people I knew. I could not think of a time that your actions had intentionally or indirectly caused someone else harm. I admired you as a person because of your brave exterior along with your authentic interior, hoping that I could one day find that balance, myself. For these reasons, I had developed an unfaltering trust for you. Until now.
 
As I read Facebook users’ most recent notes, I came to the end of one that I forced myself to read twice over in the same minute. It took a second to register and 120 more to regulate my breathing. It was a note informing me that one of my closest friends had been developing quite the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. 90210 drama became my reality as I tried to construct an intricate world where I had reason to believe that the girl he was talking about, wasn’t you. I needed to believe, for the sake of my sanity and our friendship, that you wouldn’t dare step into those boundaries. I insinuate this because if my memory is correct; you had taken the initiative to walk out of my life the moment you heard about my dirty laundry, a mere couple of months prior. Note: this state of affairs held no relation to you, whatsoever. Yet, it wasn’t the obscenity of the dirty laundry that disturbed you – more so it was the postponement of it being revealed that disappointed you. You saw it to be deceitful, did you not?, to know that I had hid something like that for so long. By the same token, did I not deserve to know you were falling for my ex-boyfriend that you knew I still had feelings for? Instead, there were no signs or signals as I raced right into this accident. Facebook knew about the needed U-Turn before I did; but it was too late – I was trapped in a dead end zone.

What kills me is that if it were not for his selfish and obvious note; you would have not told me. Come to think of it, you still haven’t – a fucking note on the internet informed me of the update. Oh good ol’ Facebook news feed. Was I going to find out through an updated relationship status on there as well? Although I love the media, I’m certain I love earnest friends more. The type that I can trust my life with: you, Gilbert Grape, were one of them. Yet I’m struggling to remove this knife from my back which is nearly impossible unless I was a contortionist. You made it so it did not only cause intensive damage but also were devious enough to make it so I did not see it coming either. Every ounce of respect and faith I once had for you is now lost in the middle of this love triangle you’re painfully sitting in. You best pre-order a few “Kleenex” boxes now as I’m positive, someone is going to get hurt – no surprise there though. I’m not sorry if I offended you or got you upset, which would be completely ironic, but I do apologize for stooping to your level by writing this response on something so public. How’s that for a dose of your own medicine? I thought you would have realized the importance of honesty from my own fiasco; mind you, at least my episode wasn’t posted up on Facebook for all to see. All democracy aside now for this is more of a hypocrisy and this note is nothing short of a rant; but over and above all – it’s nothing less than a goodbye. I don’t care if people understand this and it “leaks” your personal information, the considerate ship has sailed. That’s what happens when you don’t close your lid properly. In fact, that’s what happens when you drown someone in your juice – it results in a very sticky and messy situation.

Although I do recognize the convoluted mess you’ve produced for yourself, I can’t say I feel any remorse for you; I believe it’s something called karma. So there is the disaster that you so desperately tried to avoid. Did my months of oblivion and your days of silence do either of us any justice? Get a mop and start cleaning. Don’t forget my vomit in the corner.

xoxOMG
- SB, my life in an abbrev.

You’ll Never Know it’s Splenda.

The euphoria, the rush, the most intimate intoxication that’s got you thinking in a range from literary terms to the mind state where you are stuttering the word pineapple can be oh so very deceiving. That feeling of condensation can be the very distraction to your downfall. Fallin’ in each and every way you can imagine. Fallin’ in and out of sorrow and up and down of glee. The sweetness, the sentiment of accomplishment blemishes what reality holds.

Or, “Y’just trippin’ out b.”

Regardless, and once again, you’re stuck in a conundrum within your-own-self. Anew, you’re a matter of your own misery; the burst-er of your own bubble, a bubble that could have been holding reality to begin with. It’s just a matter of coincidence and fear because you’d never think that something so luxurious, something you can indulge in would be the root of your pain.

You’ll never know, if your logic of relativity even relates. You’ll never know, if you’re witnessing yourself make a mistake. You’ll never know if you should panic if you choke on something sweet, or get over it and continue indulging on what you’ve long for in the first place.

So sweet, oh so very sweet. But, You’ll Never Know it’s Splenda:

Our senses are swindled by what truly is, as opposed to having the greater knowledge of what you’re accurately consuming. Realistically, you’re guzzling in artificial sugar, the sweetness that consequentially is not as satisfying and self-fulfilling as the real thing. It’s a science.

Only because,
You’ll never know. Do y’go with the flow? Or, is that what dead fish do?

xoxOMG
AG, signing off to you my commander and chief. <3

C.O.D: Bullet to the Heart or Anorexia Nervosa?

Bulletproof vests are ineffective and useless the moment you take them off. Regardless of how long someone decides to wear one, that same person is instantly liable to any harm that comes their way once it’s off. The question I ask then, why would anyone proceed to remove one; making one susceptible to pain? It seems quite dense for one to do such a thing especially in the war zone we’re in now. We’re at an age where guys are immature enough to not just walk away, but sprint, in the opposite direction when they see a potential relationship approaching. Guys are built to use their Shakespeare monologue to sweep you off your feet and onto your back only to not wake you nor leave a note as they tiptoe out of your apartment in the morning. This is figuratively speaking, of course, but the intention remains the same: hit it then quit it – in simpler terms. In retrospect, I imagine this is a similar motto I had become accustomed to as it was the most cautious, although ludicrous, course of action. This poor selection when it came to my love life lead to even harsher consequences but you came along which gave me hope that you would save the day. That you would bring out the best in me. 
I had come from a destructive battlefield where I learned that relationships take more than a kiss or phone call goodnight. The truth of that two and a half year war still haunts me in my dreams and was what disabled me from reinstating myself in the army. With each news flash on CNN, I was forced to recollect the days that went unsuccessful as I left wounded. Although that was ancient history, I lacked the courage to strap on my gear and each day came and went as a failure. Then came a new prospect: one that seemed safe and honorable; I had trusted I would not end up in the same bad shape as I did the last time. Come December, I had my faith in check and perceived myself a stronger individual than I was 6 months ago which is why I found myself back on my feet, like T.I – ready for whatever. With the tough interior I was positive I had built, I went on to remove my bulletproof vest, as it was beginning to smother me. It was about time the defense shield was removed; you assured me that protection was what you would provide me with. But as it grew to become serious, I caught myself wrapped in a web of “what ifs” as I did in the past. The notion of you leaving me to deal with this combat alone worried me. I became timid and nervous with each mishap thinking that you would desert me, just as the other did. I became restless, arguing until both of us had tears streaming down our faces as I struggled to find ways that would force you to leave. Now for the question that has been left unanswered as I’m sure it’s left you puzzled, “Why?”
Because. Because I was certain that the quicker it ended, the less it would hurt. We traded places, I wound up being the individual that had the cynical theory that ‘everyone leaves’. How tactless for me to think that I would not be left injured if I made it so that you haaaaad to leave as I left you with no other choice? It should have been inevitable, especially when I was already in so deep…
“I'm going to stick it out until you leave, cause I never want to”
But where are you now? Did I lose you amongst every cannon I set off? Was it because I had refused to put the silencer on my revolver? Was it because I simply could not put my gun down? I couldn’t stop fighting, talk about going out with guns blazing. Sometimes, you’re worth fighting for but the distance you’ve grown away from me makes it complicated for my flight back – to safety, immunity and sanity - to be delayed any further. As I feed your ego, I realize that there is nothing in it for me at this airport: nothing to sustain me. The bleeding won’t stop and my own ego is being malnourished as I sit here drowning myself in I miss yous....

[ I just wanted you to want me back. ]
Story of my life.
Yeah, yeah: “Life’s Hard.”

xoxOMG
- SB, my life in an abbrev.

Involuntarily Infatuated

Infatuation it is superficial, overpowering, fickle, and short lived. Battling our own better judgement and fighting very hard to avoid seeing a situation clearly. A roller coaster of emotions. Likely to change, especially in affections, intentions, loyalties, or preferences. The true definiton of our months spent together. What I felt I let you know immediately. Your heart should have been open. I started to become confused, and it was and is suffocating me. Suffocating like needing CPR, in the emrgency room, should I pull out your I.V.? I'm in the hospital room with my friends and family staring at a flat line. I feel as if I am in a coma, as if i can't get out of these feelings I have for you. You have dug my grave, locked my casket, and filled the space with dirt. I am scratching at the casket, trying to work my way up from the dirt. I hit rock bottom, will I ever climb my way to the top?

I got a big ego and you have such a big ego. I hate your big ego and all I did was stroke your big ego.I like to joke around but I no longer want to be Russel Peters. How can I miss something that was never there? I could swear this was all lust to you, it hurts how ones feelings can shade reality. Maybe you will change your mind.

Welcome to the wonderful world of gold plated.
I need you.
I want you.
I got to have you.

This Infatuation.

xoxOMG
-AC, what the BUTT?!

Unhappily Ever After

When we are young we are taught that there is always a happy ending. Every fairytale ended with the Princess or the Good Guy winning his prize. Well I am the “good guy” and the “princess” where is my happy ending? I have the exception to the rule, the person who should make my life perfect, but why am I not fully content. The glass slipper has been placed on my foot yet I want to return back to the ball before midnight. The time did end; the clock struck twelve, my carriage turned back into a pumpkin, and my dress returned back to shreds. I have the person who will ride my pumpkin carriage, and who will help me stitch up my dress but I want the Prince, the “untouchable”.

What is the boundary line between friends and not friends? I knew that you never followed the rules of the road. You always did make every green light, every left turn and expected to make them. You could never fully pay attention to the road you always had your eyes on something else. Like the road you made up your own rules about friendship. You should have stopped at every stop sign; you should have checked your signals properly. I am just in your review mirror now, but remember “baby love” images in the mirror appear closer then they appear.

I can see my happy ending but it is at the end of a long winding road. We will ride my pumpkin carriage over every hill, every pot hole and around every corner. Together we will stitch up my dress and make it look fit enough for a Queen. Together is the key word. Give me time, the clock just struck midnight. I will come around remember; “You will always be my baby, time can’t erase a feeling this strong.”

So for now, continue driving your way. I will follow all the rules of the road. One day you will get your ticket and I will keep all my stars.
I will have a perfect world.

xoxOMG
-AC, what the BUTT?!

Game Over

 “You’re actually one of the most important things in my life right now. I’m shaking right now because the thought of losing you scares me. I want to be a better person for you. I want to be with you more than anything but I always fuck up and I don’t want to fuck up if we’re going out. I’m not used to somebody meaning this much to me. I don’t know what to do about you because I’ve always been so guarded and shielded from letting anybody in cause as you know I’m cynical and think everybody ends up leaving. And recently I’ve let you in further than anybody has been in years so it just scares me.”

 “I don’t know what to do anymore than you. I’m twice as lost as you because all you ever told me was that this will always mean more to you than to me yet here we are. Talking doesn’t do anything, it just makes things worse because then we just try to hurt eachother and I won’t hurt you. I’m sorry that I can’t make last past 7 months but I wanna be happy at least until then. I also don’t want to cry anymore but the words we are done keep repeating themselves in my head. I can’t stop crying.”

 “It just felt so good to be with you and just talk. And it was the hardest thing for me to leave, that’s why I kept coming back to you. I know that no matter what comes our way we’ll be able to handle it – together. I just want you to know that I love you more than I let on but I love you deeply nonetheless. I’m going to do whatever I can to keep you.”

 “I’m still here, still wanting to work things out. I’ll always be here, even if we aren’t talking about it. You don’t need reassurance about that.”

“You’re amazing, don’t you ever doubt that. And you’ve made me more happy then I’ve ever been, you just have to leave the past in the past or else we’ll never have a good present or an even better future.”

“Through thick and thin, I’ll always love you, my muffin.”

You played your cards and I’ll admit; you played them well.
But your wit is no match to my dignity.
I played my ace of hearts but it’s time to call your foul,
“BULLSHIT”

xoxOMG
- SB, my life in an abbrev.

Post Sentence

To whom it may concern,
Slippin’ and sippin, draggin’ and draggin’. That’s it, dragging along like a poorly directed movie or a movie directed to emphasize the wait. Cause I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but the repetition is starting to feel like a bad trip. Approaching two years in the waiting and the only elicit of your memory was how hard you fucked me over. With that said, I don’t even think of it that way. In the words of Ms. Hilson, “just get back up when he knocks you down”. And not only did I have to get back up; I had to dig, dig through the 12 feet of debris you’ve left behind. Thank you. No sarcasm, it’s a legit appreciation voucher. Reason being, that it was you that left me with no choice but to manoeuvre through the terrain of depression. But I was in denial, so in denial towards the theory that I needed help. As I coped on my own, I became vulnerable. It was like the sensitivity valve was cranked up. However, it was all misplaced...

--

I got distracted, the above was written two days ago, and I stopped because I got a certain phone-call. The sound of my ring-tone snapped me out of a zone, made me come into realization that I’m stuck in the past. The sound of the voice on the other-line was my present. I’m writing letters – when that itself is a thing of the past. It’s now, a quick pace, instant messaging, and instant phone calls and I gotta keep up. That’s right, he’s keeping me up, while you raised me up and helped me dig a hole for myself. He keeps me straight, while you long ago were part of the reason of my substance abuse. He’s on a quicker, clearer pace and you’re behind me. I see the path, accepting it and running forward’s the hard part.

P.S. I’m still not over you.

xoxOMG
-AG, signing off.